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dear diary

by primer

supported by
axt ll
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kareki420
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  • Cassette + Digital Album

    Premium ferric tape, extended J-card with 3 additional panels featuring six hand-painted pieces, heavy duty case, plastic wrapped. Limited to 30 copies. Comes with stickers.

    Includes unlimited streaming of dear diary via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
    ships out within 4 days
    Purchasable with gift card

      $15 CAD or more 

     

  • Streaming + Download

    Includes high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more. Paying supporters also get unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app.

    Download also includes the full seamless mixes of the A and B sides present on the tape, and uncropped, full resolution renders of the six paintings also present on the tape.
    Purchasable with gift card

      name your price

     

1.
misfortune 00:46
2.
cold 01:30
3.
sinking knives 02:57
4.
corpse 03:09
5.
disgrace 01:04
6.
insides 02:48
7.
fake wings 02:29
8.
numb 03:15
9.
unwelcome 00:32
10.
misericorde 02:24
11.
kill screen 01:49
12.
recursive slit 03:10
13.
pain 02:38
14.
moment 00:46
15.
heal 01:41
16.
grieve 03:13
17.
despite everything 00:36

about

'dear diary' is my personal story of my journey with gender dysphoria. It is an audio-visual project told primarily across 6 paintings and 17 musical chapters. It is intended to be first enjoyed alone, in a single sitting, as loud as possible, with a pause (to flip the tape) before chapter 14.

"From birth, I was trapped in darkness. Physically locked into a continuous breakdown, all I knew was debilitating agony and emptiness. No joy nor motivation, only constant suffering, depersonalization, and the need to die erupting within me every moment, yet seemingly without cause. No matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, I saw no respite.

As time went on, my state only declined. Far past the edge, I mustered the last of my strength to face what I had always known, a part of myself I compartmentalized as something to only be ashamed of, and there I saw the answer: that this unbearable pain and my gender were interlinked, that this congenital darkness was the result of an incongruence in my sexual morphology. Medical intervention was necessary.

In contemporary language I am transgender, though, social burden notwithstanding, it isn't possible to condense the experience to a label. The harmony of hormone therapy, to go from endless pain to finally experiencing living is something so great and transcendent as to elude expression entirely. I came into being. I felt everything. I felt the sublime beauty of merely existing, and I felt how truly far I had been from this peace; the depth of my mental and physical wounds. With this newfound strength, I could bear the weight of that past and create a new future, one where I was whole.

To transition is to live."

Created during 2021 - 2023.

credits

released July 8, 2023

Music and Artwork by A. Anderson.
Manufactured in Canada with duplication.ca

license

all rights reserved

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primer

since 2015.

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